Relationships are a big part of being human, but they often end. Even relationships that seem stable can end, and the reasons for this are often not immediately apparent. 689,308 divorces were filed in the United States in 2021. This statistic shows how common it is for relationships to end. Some couples break up because they don’t love each other anymore, but many have more serious problems, such as money problems, cheating, and fighting at home.
Dr. John Gottman came up with a crucial way to understand why relationships end. He found four main signs that a marriage is likely to end: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Many other things can lead to a breakup, such as:
Arguments that keep happening
- Unfair distribution of household work
- Changes in how you feel or who you are
- Not showing respect or gratitude
- Significant changes in life, like moving to another country
- Problems with mental health
- Disagreements about having kids
- Different interests
- Incompatibility in sexual matters
- Addiction (like drug abuse)
- Cheating
- Violence in the home
Often, a breakup is not the result of a single issue, but rather the accumulation of numerous small problems over time. So, it’s important to find these problems early and deal with them quickly to keep the relationship going.
How to Deal with Common Relationship Problems
It can be difficult to fix these long-standing communication problems. Imagine a situation in which one partner is genuinely interested in starting a new business. At first, the other partner is helpful. But as time goes on and the business doesn’t do well, it puts a strain on finances and emotions. Now, the supportive partner must find a way to express their concerns without causing hurt or misunderstanding.
“The simple answer is to stop the four horsemen and improve the relationship by talking to each other more. Both parties must demonstrate a willingness to set aside their differences. The “soft startup” is a positive way to start a conversation by saying something nice. In the example of a business deal, you could compliment your partner’s drive before bringing up your worries in a gentle way. This method creates a supportive environment that makes it easier to have respectful, non-judgmental conversations.
Jealousy and Wanting to Own
People often mistake jealousy for love, but it usually comes from mistrust and wanting to own someone. Jealousy is a normal human emotion, but too much of it can cause fights, stress, and emotional pain. A relationship can’t grow if there is suspicion. Jealousy that lasts for a long time can change how you see things and may even be a sign of an inferiority complex, which is when you feel like you’re not worthy enough and are afraid your partner will leave.
To get over jealousy, you need to have a strong sense of who you are. Individual or couples therapy can be very advantageous in finding out what caused these feelings and helping people build healthier ways of relating to each other.
Loss of Physical Closeness
For a relationship to be satisfying, both sexual and non-sexual physical closeness are necessary. Kissing, cuddling, and holding hands are examples of the latter. These are important for making the emotional bond between partners stronger. These little things couples do for each other make them feel closer and strengthen their bond.
Partners can work on being more physically close by making an effort to touch each other more often in their daily lives, like cuddling while watching a movie or holding hands while walking. It may take some time to reconnect, but it is an important step in bringing a long-term relationship back to life.
How Past Experiences Affect Us
Everyone has emotional baggage from their childhood, relationships, and events in their lives. The past can have a big effect on current relationships. For example, trauma from the past can show up as trust issues, codependency, or a fear of intimacy, where even small touches can bring back bad memories.
Likewise, negative experiences from past marriages, like cheating, can cause people to act defensively or not be able to commit to new relationships. To fix these problems, you need to talk about them honestly, but you may also need help from a family therapist or couples counselor to find and fix the real ones.
Lack of Respect
Disrespect is detrimental to a relationship and can show up in small ways. The University of Alabama says that breaking promises, putting down a partner, flirting with other people, making rude remarks, and always devaluing a partner’s time or opinions are all signs of disrespect.
For instance, being late all the time can make your partner feel unimportant. Being rude to a partner’s family or making them look undesirable in public are two clear signs of disrespect. You need to confront these behaviors head-on. If you talk to your partner clearly, they may see how their actions affect you and change.
Being codependent in a relationship
A “relationship addiction” is often used to describe the line between healthy reliance and codependency. People in a codependent relationship think they can’t do anything without their partner’s help. This dynamic is often two-way and includes:
- One may experience feelings of guilt for prioritizing their own needs over those of their partner.
- Making plans for your life based on what the other person wants.
- You place your partner or relationship on a pedestal.
- There is a constant need for certainty.
- Fear of abandonment and avoidance of conflicts are common symptoms of codependency.
Low self-esteem, a dysfunctional family background, or past trauma are all common causes of codependency. To get over it, you need to put your needs first and find happiness outside of the relationship. Some beneficial ways to manage stress are to do things you enjoy, spend time with friends, and seek therapy for yourself or with a group.
Different Values and Priorities
As time goes on, people can drift apart as their goals, priorities, and core values change. Partners who once agreed may not agree years later. One partner might prioritize career advancement, while the other pursues a distinct lifestyle.
These differences can make people feel neglected and hurt their closeness. To understand each other’s points of view, we need to talk openly. Communication may not resolve the underlying differences, but it can avert conflict and enhance understanding. A couple’s therapist can help when these talks are hard.
What makes a relationship healthy?
To have a healthy relationship, you need to have realistic expectations and a thorough grasp of what makes it work. Anzel, who knows a lot about relationships, says that there are seven rules for keeping a relationship strong: “building love maps,” “shared fondness and admiration,” “turning towards,” “having a positive perspective,” “managing conflict,” “making life dreams come true,” and “creating a shared meaning.”
Showing that you care is a simple but effective way to gain trust. Anzel says, “When your partner exclaims, ‘Oh, my gosh,’ you should respond with, ‘What?” What happened? This gesture lets your partner know that you are there, that you are listening, and that you want to hear what they have to say.
The University of Colorado Boulder says that some important parts of healthy relationships are:
- Talk to each other openly.
- Being listened to and understood
- Intimacy between two people
- helpful Disagreements
- Have faith
It’s normal for partners to disagree with each other. The most important thing is to work together to solve problems. Setting healthy boundaries is just as important because it helps people keep their sense of self and avoid codependency. It’s okay to ask for space or say “no” to protect your comfort and privacy.
Final Thoughts
Some problems in relationships are unavoidable, but how you deal with them will determine the outcome. A healthy partnership creates a safe space for honest conversation and the sharing of worries.
“A healthy relationship is one where both people are free to have their thoughts and feelings and are interested in how their partner feels and thinks.”
It’s also okay to grow and pursue your interests.
To deal with conflict, you need to be able to communicate eloquently and have a base of trust and respect. If your relationship is having problems, you might want to talk to a therapist who works with couples. An expert can give you a new point of view and help you deal with problems before they get too big to handle.
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